Perfect People

So I'll admit it I'm a bit of a perfectionist. What? You're surprised? You act like I haven't mentioned this before. I know, I know you say, "Cassie just chill out, everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time or even some of the time." And I get that. I do. But I must say with Baby's First Christmas just days away I can't help but feel the pressure. The pressure to make it PUR-FECT. For everyone. Not just Baby or the Hubbs; no this is a holiday that spans and includes the whole family. My parents, his parents, sister, aunts, uncles, great grandparents. And you know what friends- I just CAN'T DO IT! I can't make everyone happy all the time even though I apparently think it's my job concerning family gatherings. I put the pressure on myself. Hubbs is all chill and laid back (envious- I am). So glad I have him though because he sooo mellows me out.

I have been forced to let go of my quest for what I'll call "Holiday HAPPINESS Perfection." Because that's where I get hung up. I'm ok with a slightly messy house (though I would feel better if all was in it's place.) I'm ok with some dirty dishes, take out meals and toys underfoot. What I feel the foolish need to control is something that I absolutely know rests with the individual- Their Happiness. I find myself always concerned about others comfort and joy; which is considerate up unto the point that it becomes a serious detriment to mine. Anyhooo friends, my body decided rebel against me and my best intentions. My back went out on Sunday. Like TOTALLY OUT. No fooling around. My back was all:

"You think you are going to try to stand- WRONG. Oh you want to walk like a normal 29 year old- NOPE more like an 89 year old! Sitting... ha FAT CHANCE!"

And in response I'm like:

"Dude, this is such a bad time, don't you know I have 45,000 things to do before Christmas! Wrapping, cleaning, baking, oh ya and that thing called TAKING CARE OF AN 8 MONTH OLD! AHHHHH"

To no avail though. So I've been out of commission since Sunday with The Hubbs and Mo (my Mom if you have forgotten) taking the reigns. Now instead of going to visit family, family is coming here to us. Which will ultimately be a much better plan for us but the getting to the new plan sucked.

So much for Perfect... It's overrated anyway and not just because it's completely unrealistic.

This year I'm hopping for a Great time together, Good food and company, Joy in the midst of what some might consider christmas chaos, Calm following the flurry of excitement! Have a very Merry Christmas!

This is a song I love because it reminds us all that there is no such thing as perfect people but there is a perfect God!

"Perfect People" Artist: Natalie Grant
Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

[CHORUS:]
There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scared
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again

[CHORUS]

Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see out let grace be enough

[CHORUS]

By a perfect God [5x]

Be changed by a perfect God
Be changed

Alive and Kicking!

So I'm still pregnant. We are now 24 and a half weeks in on this journey. And we are both doing well- Alive and Kicking (LITERALLY)! It certainly has been interesting. I'm doing really well. Feeling pretty good. So thankful to not be sick anymore. That part was brutal. But I suppose 6 weeks for feeling utterly awful is a small price to pay for our precious little boy.

He is moving around so much these days. It's crazy. Definitely, in my opinion, the BEST part of pregnancy. I love it!

We got more photos from the ultrasound than I thought we would. Here is a slightly fuzzy picture of our boy. I have to say- he's already pretty adorable!

I'm PREGNANT!!!!!

Yes my friends it is true! I know I can hardly believe it. I took a the pregnancy test on Sunday morning and it turned both lines dark pink instantly. I couldn't believe it. I just sat on the toilet staring at it saying "Oh my goodness!" Hubby was in the main part of the bathroom brushing his teeth and immediately wanted to know what was wrong. I just told him, "There's two line, there's two lines." And I handed it out to him. It was a shock. I took another test on Monday morning with the same results and called the Dr. W's office to get in for blood work. My nurse, nurse T, called me back and assumed that I had gotten my period and needed to come in for that blood work. When I told her I hadn't but that I had gotten two positive pregnancy tests she was instantly ecstatic! It was so sweet.

I went in for my labwork on Tuesday and this afternoon I talked to nurse T to find out the results. She said I was definitely pregnant and that everything looked great. She said all my numbers and levels were good and that my progesterone looked really good! Praise the Lord!!!! I am about 6 weeks along right now. I have my first official prenatal appointment with Dr. W on Friday morning.

So excited.

And freaked out.

But thrilled.

What a blessing! I will be on my knees in prayer for my little biscuit (even though it isn't as big as a biscuit that is what my best friend and I have taken to calling our little embryo!) everyday, throughout the day praying for safety and that it's healthy!

That's my big news tonight! I just wanted to share it with you.

With much love to you all.

So You're Saying There's a Chance

Things have been pretty smooth around here. Just keeping a low profile. I've been enjoying summer. Hanging out with the Hubby, doing a lot of swimming (which I love!) and basically just chillin'. It's been good. I can't believe summer's end is nearing. Boo!

We've been doing what we can to get that bun in the oven but nothing yet. After having a 45 day cycle last month and feeling lousy about that I had an appointment with Dr. W at the beginning of the month and we strategized. She upped my metformin, which has made me feel pretty yuck. So I guess that's been going on too. Now I'm up to 1500. I also bought one of those new month long ovulation kits to give it a chance. For real this time the sticks went off on the 16th & 17th of this month after having progressively darkened for a few days before. So I was feeling pretty confident with it's accuracy. Then on Monday the 21st I got my progesterone checked. They Dr.'s office called yesterday and today and both the nurse and then Dr. W said that I definitely did ovulate this month and that my levels were again really high and strong.

Of course I'm not getting my hopes up but they said that they were strong enough that there is at least a chance that I could have something cookin'. It's still too soon to tell but I like knowing that for the first time we actually knew when I was ovulating and got to it at the right time. So I count it as a positive either way!

On an unrelated note we leave to go to Camp with 20 middle school kids and 4 leaders (and myself too) on Saturday night. We'll be riding in a 35 passenger bus overnight. It will be a 14 hour drive to get there but it is soooooo worth it. This camp is A-Maz-ING! But ya those of you who do could certainly pray for me- and Hubby too because he's going because he's a leader. I'll have some fun pictures to show when we get back. So I'll be gone and I'm looking forward to it. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is feeling gross because of the Met. I just hate road trips because I always feel trapped and icky but what can you do. It's my job and it's pretty great. Just send a prayer for me that I get through both bus rides without incident!

Thanks friends!!! Hope you are all doing great... because I think you are all pretty great yourselves!

You Say It's Your Birthday!

Tomorrow's my birthday! Hooray for me! The big 2-8! Twenty-Eight is great! That shall be my positive affirmation.

It was a good weekend. Friday night we went to dinner with some of our friends and in honor of my impending birthday we got a piece of the most AMAZING chocolate cake! It was seriously as big as my head! It was delicious. It was so huge (and delish) that we have been eating it since Friday. In Saturday we hung out, ran some errands and had a triple feature at home. Three movies back to back to back. We usually don't watch movies very often but we had a fun movie marathon. On Sunday we slept in and played some Mario Kart on the Wii. Then we went to dinner with my parents to celebrate. It was lovely!

Only non-lovely thing about this weekend is that at CD45 AF arrived with a vengeance! Boo! And so the new cycle begins...

Me and My Grumpy Self!

I'm really frustrated today. No AF yet. No real signs or symptoms of being pregnant. Just Nothing. Grrr! For me it is Cycle Day 40. 40! Are you kidding me?! Since February it hasn't been this long before... usually somewhere around 36-38 days. Since I don't feel pregnant at all I just wish that my stupid period would come so that it would be over soon and we could move on with Baby Quest 08.

I am however a huge ball of hormones... and not the sweet kind that make you overly sappy or overly kind, nope I have the ugly ones: moody, irritable, quick tempered, sad. Oh and then there's the tired factor. I'm just feel weary. Like my body is all out of whack, which I suppose is a correct characterization. Woke up this morning sort of feeling like I was getting a cold or a sinus infection. It's eased somewhat throughout the day but the lethargic, unproductive, self critical feelings are still in full effect.

Sorry to be so grumpy today. Nothing in my world is particularly bad or off or stressful (except for the not being able to create life thing). I realize that. But this is how it is today.

And, no, I don't want to do a pregnancy test because it is a test I feel I will surely fail. I already feel crappy so I don't want to reinforce that. I know it doesn't really change anything it just seems sadistic (I still might do it later this week if nothing changes though). I'm not up for it on Father's Day. I don't want to announce to Hubby, "Hey you know how we thought I wasn't with child... well, we were right!"

I don't want to do anything. I'm just sitting here watching Extreme Home Makeover. Don't want to make dinner, don't want to go to the store (though I need things like eggs & milk), don't want to sleep, don't want to talk, don't want to play wii, don't even really want to watch tv.

Seriously, aren't a I peach today?! With my self indulgent attitude now in check I shall end this for the evening.

Hope today you are feeling loved and appreciate it because I'm positive you deserve it!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Stayin' Alive...

Ya I'm alive. Yes I'm a delinquent blogger. True my life is pretty boring right now.

Summer is here and that means that until we take kids to Camp work slows down... like a lot. Praise The Lord because I was feeling pretty burned out. I've kind of been in hiding. And relishing it.

This last weekend was my sweet Hub's birthday! We celebrated all weekend. On Friday his parents came to stay with us overnight to celebrate. We grilled out and I made some delicious creations including Frito Bandito Salad (which is way better than it sounds), Fruit Salad with a delish dip and Strawberry Cupcakes with chocolate frosting! Saturday, his actual birthday, we hung out with his parents. Showed them around his work campus and new office, went to lunch at a yummy seafood restaurant on the lake and then took it easy the rest of the day. That night we watched movies and snuggled! It was bliss! On Sunday we played things low-key and that night my parents came over and brought dinner to celebrate. It was a GREAT weekend.

On the baby front... well... nothing much going on... yet. I'm keeping the faith though. After having been told at the beginning of May that they thought I had ovulated during my period I spent some time and effort talking to Dr. W and getting the facts straightened out. She said that she DID NOT believe that I had ovulated then (like the nurse said). So I ended up getting my blood drawn the last week of May to check my Progesterone levels. That was the week I would have been ovulating (if my cycle was 38 days which it has been since February). She said the tough part was that we could miss the surge by a few days on either side so it wasn't fully conclusive. And I guess we did because I got it came back low. But by my calculator I got my blood taken on Tuesday and my O window was to start on Wednesday and increase through Saturday and then taper off after that. Who even knows. She did up my Metformin by 1 dose bringing my total dosage up to 1000 mg. So technically this could be the two week wait but I'm not expecting anything this month. I'm mostly interested to see if my period stays at 38 days or if it changes either way. Way low expectations. Kind of sad, but just being realistic.

That's my update for what it's worth.

Hope all is well with you my friends!

Much Love To You!

Thank You

Thank you friends for your comments. Your thoughts are very helpful. I am considering what you have suggested and I'm trying to figure out what to do. Thanks so much for the help. I'm still just confused. I'll keep everyone updated on what develops.

Now There's A Curve Ball.

The Doctor's office called this morning and they said that all the test came back negative and normal. That's what I suspected. What I didn't count on is Nurse T saying that they thought I OVULATED that day I came in to test (last Thursday). WHAT!!!!! That is sooooooo frustrating to me. So, what you're saying is I was sick, bleeding and ovulating?! I asked her why this could be since it didn't seem like it would be around that time no matter what cycle calendar you were using. She simply said, "Well it's probably because you are Polycystic and you just never know when." Also re-stated in that conversation which I thought was said a bit cavalierly (but I don't think it was on purpose) "Well your progesterone was so high that we thought you were pregnant but you weren't. Then we think you ovulated that day or a day or two before or you were going to soon. (?!@#$#@!!) But you Ovulated so that's good."

Ya a lot of good that does me for me to spontaneously ovulate after being "regular" for two months and for you to not get my results to me until 5 days after the test; past when I could have done anything to try to make a baby this month. Grrr.

I was curious as to what would happen if I took an ovulation test today so I took one that I had left over from last month. It came back with light positive line but it was really light. Probably not much a chance there because I haven't been 'doin it' all weekend because I was freaked out as to what was happening to me...oh and because I'm not hip on 'gettin it on' when I'm surfin' the crimson wave.

All that to say they were supposed to call back this afternoon (which they haven't) so we can "Regroup" and decide what to do now with the Metformin (probably increase my dose) and other such things.

Any thoughts anyone? Have you dealt with anything like this? Anyone with PCOS experience such messed up cycles?

Wow this has been a totally, completely frustrating week. It wouldn't be so bad if everything wasn't all crazy. It's like things went totally haywire this month. Who knows. It will happen when it happens but man I am reminded around every turn how out of control I really am- in this process and on a larger scale as well. Which is hard for me...for most of us: to be out of control.

What I know that I need to do is to be kind to myself. I know that I need to do my best to remember truth, to appreciate that my body works well (well... most of the time) and that just because I don't fit a "medical norm" that it doesn't make me a freak. No two people are the same and different things work for different people in a host of varying ways. Those are the things I need to remember. And to take deep breathes and relax with myself, my expectations and to enjoy all the good that is going on in my life each and every day! All I can say is I'm trying.

Right now the lyrics to the Michelle Branch song Breathe are playing in my head.

"Breathe"

I've been driving for an hour

Just talking to the rain

You say I've been driving you crazy

and its keeping you away

So just give me one good reason

Tell me why I should stay

'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment

in saying things we never meant to say

And I take it just a little bit

I, hold my breath and count to ten

I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Well it's all so overrated

In not saying how you feel

So you end up watching chances fade

And wondering what's real

And I give you just a little time

I, Wonder if you realize

I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe,

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,

Hoping you hear me

Do you hear me?

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe,

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

Everything is alright if i just breathe... breathe

I've been driving for an hour

Just talking to the rain

Just Take My Blood Already!

So I'm still bleeding. It's somewhere between spotting and a light period. Yesterday it was more like a beginning period though. I finally got ahold of the Dr.'s office at about 1pm yesterday. Ya first thing in the morning my ass! Anyway, Nurse T said that Dr. W wanted me to come in and do blood work. She said they were going to do a CBC, Progesterone, HCG and FSH tests. So I dragged my nauseous, freaked out body out of bed and took a quick shower (because I hadn't in a while). Then I took myself directly to the Dr.'s office. I made great time by the way. When I got there they took me back pretty quickly but then...I had to wait...and wait...and wait.

I guess it's sort of my fault or at least the fault of my veins because every time I go there to have my blood drawn I have to have special measures taken (have to lay down, use special needles etc.). I apparently have small, deep veins and the girl who normally takes the blood can't do mine and the first time she tried I freaked her out to the point where she has never attempted it again. Which is TOTALLY fine with me. I hate being mutilated by people who can't find a vein. So this nice nurse of another doctor, that I have now befriended, is my designated Vampire. Things were swamped in there, hence the waiting. So I'm sitting there waiting for Nice Nurse Vampire to come attend to me, sad and bleeding while about 100 pregnant women paraded in front of me. They were in various stages of pregnancy. They were getting their blood pressure taken, weight charted, drinking that supposedly gross drink to measure blood glucose. And I just sat there with my head down bleeding... and waiting.

The only thing that made it better was that Nurse Vampire did a great job and she was sooooo very sweet and sensitive with me. I then got up and dragged myself home.

Now I'm sitting here waiting to call the doctor's office because I don't want to seem like a psycho but I really want to call. And as much as I want to call I also don't want to know what's going on. Living in denial is easy; living in a constant state of the unknown is unbearable for me. I'm worried that the test results will be inconclusive or negative. I don't know that anything that is said at this point is "bad" or "good" it just is. I know we'll move forward with more knowledge and insight about my cycle and body. But this has just sucked. I know it's not true, I know it's still really early in our fertility journey but I still feel like I'm letting my people down. But I know that's not true. Note: A lot of I knows in that paragraph. I suppose I'm needing to reassure myself today more than usual.

So I guess I'm gonna call.

Update: I called and they said they didn't have the lab work back and that Nurse T would call me when they came in. They totally think I'm a crazy person. Oh well... I am what I am and right now I feel a bit wacky.

So here's what's going on.

I got the blood work back from Dr. W on Monday afternoon. It said that the HCG test came back negative (which we thought was a high possibility since it was still early) but they said my Progesterone came back high. So they said because of that they wanted me to come back in and test on Friday because there was a good chance I was pregnant. Soo with that I went through Monday and Tuesday fine. Then yesterday I felt really nauseous all and then in late afternoon I started spotting which over the evening progressed to a light bleed. Sort of like at the beginning of a period. Light cramps and gasey cramps but they don't feel like normal mentraul cramps. It's like not in the same area or the same intensity.

So I'm not sure what is going on. I called Dr. W and nurse T said that Dr. W wasn't in for the day and that she would call her and ask her what she thought and she would call me first thing in the morning. Nurse T said again that the test was negative but that there could be a lot of "normal" reasons for the bleeding and to take it easy for the rest of the day. I was already doing that.

I did that but it was so hard not to be anxious, and frankly confused. I mean, honestly, I could accept it was a period but all the stuff that has been going on in my body this month. I don't think it is the Metformin. I've been tolerating that really well. And I absolutely did not feel like this last month (March, before I got my period)... and we were trying then so I know I'm not imagining these changes in my body...some things are visible like the breast changes.

I've read online (however credible it is) women talking about how bleeding is common in early pregnancy, how some people think they have had their period but then found out that they were pregnant, or others who pass some clots and go on to have healthy babies, others who have unexplained bleeding... and yes there are the stories about miscarriages.

It's just really weird too because everything has been speculation so far and nothing confirmed. I'm hoping they let me come in for lab work today, since I was scheduled to go in on Friday they might as well let me come in. I don't know. I'm frustrated and confused. We'll see.

What I'm praying for is a definitive answer as to what is going on- period, bleeding w/an early pregnancy... or something else.

Please pray for my sanity and attitude.

Update on Friday and other associated things...

So here's the low down on what is going on. Went to Dr. W on Friday. It was a good appointment. I talked to her about what was going on- symptoms and changes which are listed below. She said "Well it certainly sounds like you might be. You've got the early signs. I want to do a blood test and see what it says. If it comes back negative that is not unusual because every body builds hormones at different rates and it just might not be showing up yet. So if this one is negative we'll wait a week, since I think you have a good chance of being pregnant and we'll test again in a week." So I won't know anything from the test until tomorrow. I have to be honest that I'm just really praying that the test comes back positive because I truly feel different, like I am. And that's not just because I want to be (which I also said to Dr. W). I'm not imagining things (you know like when you want something you imagine things to be like you want). Because I really wasn't expecting anything this quick anyway. I didn't care if it was last month, this month, next month etc. I just know that my body is different, I feel different and all the signs point to maybe baby. I'm just ready to have a confirmation of what's happening. I told Dr. W. that if it isn't positive then something is going on here that we need to figure out. She chuckled and said we could address that if the time came.

So that is what is going on with me. As always hope all is well with you. Like I said the other day I'm keeping my fingers crossed, saying my prayers and hoping for a positive!

Tomorrow...

I have a big Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. We'll see what Dr. W says. I hope it's all positive. No sign of AF, lots of signs of possibly being "with child." I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm expecting to do a blood test. So you could say that I'm holding my breath, crossing my fingers and saying my prayers.

It's sort of bittersweet to post that because I know so many are struggling with the issue of conceiving. It's my prayer that this does not bring you down but spurs us on to continue to hope and dream... regardless of (or in spite of) circumstances. Whether it be baby dreams, lofty goals or personal desires.

Peace be with you.

I Did Not Retreat.

Nope, no retreat for me. Which considering my bad attitude about it the other day you might think was a good thing. Ya, except for the fact that the reason I didn't go is because I was so very sick. I woke up on Wednesday at 4:30am and became intimate with the porcelain throne. It was stomach cramps and intense nausea. the cramps subsided but the nausea progressed throughout the day. I felt like I was sea sick. So needless to say I did not make the 2 hour trip to go on the retreat. In fact I slept most of the day. I started to feel better in the late afternoon and evening. I slept pretty well last night but woke up this morning feeling queasy. I tried to go back to sleep and when I woke up it wasn't as intense. It has been with me off and on today but it's been tolerable. Anyway that's been my last two days. Hope you have been well!

Later!!!

Showin' Your Crazy (emphasis on the Your not to be be confused with You're like you are)

Longest title ever. I believe that in everyone of us we harbor some "crazy". It's our own, it's different for everyone; sometimes it's quirky and endearing and sometimes it's just your everyday run-of-the-mill crazy. But we've all got it, it's just a matter of when and how much of your particular "crazy" you are going to show at any given time. That being said...

The thing about "showin' your crazy" is that it often makes you eat your words, which sometimes makes me blush a little from embarrassment.

As you may recall I was writing the other day about the villainous ovulation tests. Well turns out they actually did their job...or did I just scare them into submission? (something to think about people- oops there goes my crazy showin' again). So I was totally frustrated last Thursday. I didn't want to try to pee on the stick again (notice I said try because I'm not so good at doing it). I'd like to mention here that I also bought the generic kind because I had already used all of the good ones (you know the ones with the replacement caps so you don't have to look at the pee stick) because Dr. W's nurse told me to start testing on a day that I thought (and was right, HA!) was an entire week early. So I had used all the good ones and the generic ones work but for some reason they took wayyyyyy longer to show any kind of reading. As I was saying, I was grumpy about testing but I did it and waited a little bit. Nothing. I figured I had missed the mark (if you know what I mean) because the test line hadn't even appeared by then. Now even more perturbed because I felt like I just wasted a tester stick I left it sitting there (on a paper towel I want to mention) and went to take a shower. I actually forgot about it but went back in there to get something

and I suddenly saw this ☟

I know I'm a dork for taking a picture of it... but you just gotta love me anyway!

I was shocked. Something had actually happened?! Could it be that I was really ovulating (or would be in what the box said a regulation 24-36 hours)? I was really excited. And something I have to share is why I was so excited. Yes, I want to have a baby but, for me up to now, it has been more about not feeling like my body was doing what it was supposed be doing. Like I'm broken or something. That's been the most frustrating thing at least up to this point. We are still relatively early on in this journey and I realize that my feelings on our state of things will continue to develop but in this moment all I want(ed) to do was to feel normal... whatever normal is, but that's a different subject. That is why it particularly exciting for me. My body for like once, EVER, appeared to be doing what it should be doing.

Now we are in that weird two week waiting period. Again this is the first "legitimate" month for us trying, as in trying while ovulating- and knowing it. So we'll see. I'm keeping my expectations really low. Positive but low-key. Hopeful but not naive.

That's what's going on around here. I had a truly awful night yesterday. But God granted me another day to get up, walk around, breathe in and out, laugh, smile and love those in my life... and for that I am thankful.

We have a regional staff retreat tomorrow. To put it mildly I'm not looking forward to going at all (there are reasons and if you knew them all I think you would agree) but I shall go and retreat like a good little girl.

Later!

I'm grumpy!

There's really no other way to say it. I'm feeling grumpy and moody. It's all due to those blasted little sticks. I'm still peeing on those darn sticks. Not one has even looked close to saying, "Yes, you are ovulating!" Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. I fancy myself a relatively patient person but these ovulation tests seem to be pushing me. Now I know that they are inanimate objects and I realize how silly it sounds but sometime I feel like they have it in for me. Like they're trying to trick me. Like, "Ha, we got her, she really is ovulating but are we gonna tell her? NO! Hold steady troops and don't show your line." Don't worry I have not gone looney toons. I'm just saying sometimes this baby making process takes a toll on a sane girl's psyche.

Sorry I'm grumpy. Don't let my grumpy spread to you. I pray you are weathering your own particular journey well.

Later because it's time to make a trip to the bathroom to duke it out with the enemy.

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Ok, so I dropped off the face of the earth for a while. Do I have a good excuse you are wondering to yourself...? No I don't. All I can offer is that life feels kind of weird right now. Not bad, just weird. I've been feeling like my life is transitioning and it's kind of leaving me feeling odd. Sort of stuck. Like, I'm ready to move forward and to hit the next stage (such as having a baby, staying home, pretending to be more domestic) but I'm stuck. So while my heart and mind are ready to move on my actual life and circumstance haven't caught up. I want it to catch up- CATCH UP LIFE!!!

Sorry you had to witness my brief tantrum. I do actually lead what is more than a Semi-Charmed Kind of Life. Not like the actual song talks about, more in the sense that I'm blessed in a whole lot of ways I'm not going to bore you with now. Oh yeah, and Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life- the actual song is on my mind because I had a guitar lesson tonight with my friend (we'll call him Vroom) and Vroom played it several times as he was showing me chord progressions. So naturally it's stuck in my head.

Chorus Lyrics:

I want something else

To get me through this

Semi-charmed kind of Life

Baby, Baby

I want something else

I'm not listening when you say

Good-bye

Vroom is seriously brilliant. He can play like every instrument. Knows music theory inside and out. Can teach in a way that is accessible, easy to comprehend and yet challenging. Plus He went to some super braintastic school in Upstate New York. Can you tell that I think pretty highly of him. He's a quality person, which can be hard to find- in a friendly way I totally mean. Semi-Interesting fact though, I actually had a major crush on him wayyyy back in the day but it never developed any further than that except for the excellent friendship we have formed. So yes, ultimately we were meant to be great friends and I'm totally lucky because we are and he and Hubs are good friends too. They are actually in the living room watching the basketball game together right now. Whooping and Hollering and Cheering.

Just to update you friends on what is going on with Baby Quest 2008. The Metformin helped me regulate my cycle as I mentioned before. I still can't believe it did it so quickly! So Dr. W instructed me to keep taking the Met and to get ready to start Ovulation Testing on the 9th- YA- April 9th- WEDNESDAY!!! Yipes! This will be my first time working with an Ovulation Predictor kit. It all seems so real. While I'm excited to be making progress on that front I must admit that I truly dislike peeing on sticks. It has to do with the fact that I'm not very good at it. But who knows maybe during the next week I'll get better at it. I know that when I do get pregnant I will be required to pee on or in things regularly! Dr. W said to test from the 9th-12th and whenever I get a positive on ovulation to "have sex as much as possible." Ummm as much as possible. That just sounds daunting. But I'm up for the challenge and I know it don't have to do it like 10 times a day. I'm just excited and anxious because this is my first month actually trying like this. I'm sure soon enough it could become not only old hat but a thorn in my side. So I'll do what I can to and the rest is up to God and His timing for our family.

That's all for now. I wish you sweet dreams and a lovely day tomorrow and that your life be more than just Semi-Charmed!

Later!

Lady in Red

Ok people you ready for a little overshare? Well, you're about to get it. I actually started my period yesterday (hence the Lady in Red song reference). I know, can you believe it? I can't! All my wicked rambling about not getting it, doubting that the medicine was working and being cynical in general were for nothing. Because the medicine is working! Hoooray! I'm not just taking Metformin in vain. For this moment I could not be more pleased. I feel like it puts us one step closer to creating a baby. And that, you all know, is the name of the game right now. It's the first time I've been encouraged in a long time about our prospect of conceiving. I know that we still have long long road ahead but as I said for today I'm content. Content, while still hoping to get knocked up in the near future

Now yesterday is a whole other story... I admit that I was kind of a nightmare. Sorry, Hubby (not that he's reading this). Not having periods because of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (or at least some form of it) has a way of dimming my memory or what PMS feels like. I don't know about you other friends who have the PCOS but while I wasn't having periods I would still experience some of the symptoms at least once a month. In my case, I sort of always felt like I was premenstrual; whether that was because my body sort of was in that state, my hormones were wacked out on their own or they were wacked out because of some sort of insulin level problems. I constantly felt slightly bloated and usually sort of crampy at some point during each week. Usually once a month, though, I felt extra fragile emotionally, sort of crampy (with no sign of the Crimson Tide), and sometimes a headache. But when dealing with the real deal I am full on IRRITABLE and sensitive/emotional. I haven't cried very much if you don't count last night.

And that's saying a lot because Hubby and I had to go to a funeral today. Hubby's Grandpa's twin brother died on Thursday unexpected... which meant an unexpected change to our weekend. I didn't know the man but Hubby did and he wanted to support his family and pay his respects. All in all it was a nice service but there were some odd bits to it. There was one song that I don't know who picked out but I felt like it was so awkward. It was about taking a train to Heaven, which sounds nice, but it was about the Devil chasing him down and stuff. It just seemed odd. This was a man (Grandpa's twin) who loved the Lord and you wouldn't associate him running from the devil because of a "sorted past." I still want to know who picked that song out to memorialize him.

So that was my days... Thank you for all your well wishes! I appreciate all of them. I am starting to feel much better although I'm still struggling with a cough. I'm totally looking forward to going to bed tonight. After not having left my house since Monday and pretty much being in bed all week doing so much today was overwhelming. Not to mention that the whole week it was GORGEOUS weather- in the 70's & 80's and then today when I have to get out in it the temp dropped 30 degrees and was rainy. Now that doesn't help a sickie like me get better does it Universe?! No! But tonight I am counting my blessings for my incredible husband, wonderful family and sweet friends... and all the other great things that make up my life.

Hope you remember those things that you are grateful for tonight too... no matter what is going on or where we are in life there is always something to be thankful for. (Ok I'm done with my Oprah moment... I know... it's the unusual hormones!) ☺

LATER!

Jagged Little Pill

If there was any kind of pill, jagged or otherwise that would help me feel better I would take it. So as I'm sure you guessed I'm sick and it completely sucks! I just can't shake it. I've been sick since Santa Fe. Really since the day before Santa Fe. I feel like my brain might explode- which is not a good thing yet there really isn't anything a Dr could give me to make it worth dragging myself out into the world. Ugggh, I hate it! And yes I know that I'm complaining and I'm sorry but that is all I have the energy for. On top of feeling like crap still no signs of the AFF. I keep feeling like I'm having cramps but then nothing to back it up. It's totally uncool to have cramps with no pay off. Whatever Body! I'm done with you revolting against me.

On a different note it is beautiful weather here. It's already 80 degrees. Do I get to enjoy it though, no, because I'm either sleeping or blowing my nose, but I digress. Spring is in the air and it makes me look forward to summer. I love swimming. Love swimming- hate the whole having to wear a bathing suit part though. It is a trial we women must endure- feeling comfortable wearing practically nothing in front of practically everyone we know (or at least it feels that way). But I shall not let it keep me indoors. And I have a standing commitment with myself not to be too hard on myself, to not obsess about my imperfections and to not let it affect my confidence... life's too short and I'm (we all are) lucky to be living, to have bodies that work and to be able to enjoy life here and now! So I will wear a cute swimsuit, suck in my tummy (if and when necessary), hold my head up high and be thankful for all my blessings. Oh and I'm searching for a really cute cover-up to lounge around in!

Ok, enough of the randomness of this post. Maybe it's the medicine or my pounding head but I'm aware that this has been a mish-mash of thoughts and the like! Hope you are having a beautiful day because each of you are beautiful. Just wanted you to know that in case you haven't heard that today!

Later Lovelies!

Question: Are any of you watching the American Idol?

Bonus Question: Any favorites or thoughts on who you think is going to take the top honor?