I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

I was just watching White Christmas, one of my all time favorite Christmas movies, while actually experiencing a white Christmas Eve. So it's a blizzard here. Literally. We have a blizzard warning. I don't think I've ever experienced that in all my 29 years and if I have I was too young to remember. So this delicious, white wonderland outside is pretty remarkable because we hardly get much snow here. Let a lone on Christmas. Maybe if we're lucky a few flakes swirl in the air sometime during the winter months. But they usually don't stick much or for very long. Ice and sleet and freezing rain happen more frequently and wreak havoc on the city. Not so today. It is really coming down out there.

"Snowin' and blowin and bushels of fun... now the jingle rock has begun."

The family is here now. There is something nice about being warm and cozy with your family for Christmas. I suppose that is only true though if you get along with your family. Luckily we do! So we're hunkering down and staying warm. Watching the snow pile up outside. We have GREAT windows everywhere in our new house to gaze at the scenery. I plan on watching my favorite Christmas movies (like ELF, Christmas Vacation and the Red Rider BB Gun movie- even though I don't really care for it- it depresses me, but the fam likes it so...), the weather (because I like to watch weather-I'm kinda a fanatic) and I'm sure for The Hubbs and his Dad there will be football and basketball on at various points throughout the day.

This is so much fun with Baby! He's already opened like 4 presents. The Grandparents just can't wait! Baby is seeing his first snow and first blizzard as well as his first White Christmas. What a First Christmas to have with him. As I'm typing this he's snuggled up beside me napping. LOVE IT!

My Christmas Baby

Perfect People

So I'll admit it I'm a bit of a perfectionist. What? You're surprised? You act like I haven't mentioned this before. I know, I know you say, "Cassie just chill out, everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time or even some of the time." And I get that. I do. But I must say with Baby's First Christmas just days away I can't help but feel the pressure. The pressure to make it PUR-FECT. For everyone. Not just Baby or the Hubbs; no this is a holiday that spans and includes the whole family. My parents, his parents, sister, aunts, uncles, great grandparents. And you know what friends- I just CAN'T DO IT! I can't make everyone happy all the time even though I apparently think it's my job concerning family gatherings. I put the pressure on myself. Hubbs is all chill and laid back (envious- I am). So glad I have him though because he sooo mellows me out.

I have been forced to let go of my quest for what I'll call "Holiday HAPPINESS Perfection." Because that's where I get hung up. I'm ok with a slightly messy house (though I would feel better if all was in it's place.) I'm ok with some dirty dishes, take out meals and toys underfoot. What I feel the foolish need to control is something that I absolutely know rests with the individual- Their Happiness. I find myself always concerned about others comfort and joy; which is considerate up unto the point that it becomes a serious detriment to mine. Anyhooo friends, my body decided rebel against me and my best intentions. My back went out on Sunday. Like TOTALLY OUT. No fooling around. My back was all:

"You think you are going to try to stand- WRONG. Oh you want to walk like a normal 29 year old- NOPE more like an 89 year old! Sitting... ha FAT CHANCE!"

And in response I'm like:

"Dude, this is such a bad time, don't you know I have 45,000 things to do before Christmas! Wrapping, cleaning, baking, oh ya and that thing called TAKING CARE OF AN 8 MONTH OLD! AHHHHH"

To no avail though. So I've been out of commission since Sunday with The Hubbs and Mo (my Mom if you have forgotten) taking the reigns. Now instead of going to visit family, family is coming here to us. Which will ultimately be a much better plan for us but the getting to the new plan sucked.

So much for Perfect... It's overrated anyway and not just because it's completely unrealistic.

This year I'm hopping for a Great time together, Good food and company, Joy in the midst of what some might consider christmas chaos, Calm following the flurry of excitement! Have a very Merry Christmas!

This is a song I love because it reminds us all that there is no such thing as perfect people but there is a perfect God!

"Perfect People" Artist: Natalie Grant
Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

[CHORUS:]
There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scared
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again

[CHORUS]

Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see out let grace be enough

[CHORUS]

By a perfect God [5x]

Be changed by a perfect God
Be changed

Now There's A Curve Ball.

The Doctor's office called this morning and they said that all the test came back negative and normal. That's what I suspected. What I didn't count on is Nurse T saying that they thought I OVULATED that day I came in to test (last Thursday). WHAT!!!!! That is sooooooo frustrating to me. So, what you're saying is I was sick, bleeding and ovulating?! I asked her why this could be since it didn't seem like it would be around that time no matter what cycle calendar you were using. She simply said, "Well it's probably because you are Polycystic and you just never know when." Also re-stated in that conversation which I thought was said a bit cavalierly (but I don't think it was on purpose) "Well your progesterone was so high that we thought you were pregnant but you weren't. Then we think you ovulated that day or a day or two before or you were going to soon. (?!@#$#@!!) But you Ovulated so that's good."

Ya a lot of good that does me for me to spontaneously ovulate after being "regular" for two months and for you to not get my results to me until 5 days after the test; past when I could have done anything to try to make a baby this month. Grrr.

I was curious as to what would happen if I took an ovulation test today so I took one that I had left over from last month. It came back with light positive line but it was really light. Probably not much a chance there because I haven't been 'doin it' all weekend because I was freaked out as to what was happening to me...oh and because I'm not hip on 'gettin it on' when I'm surfin' the crimson wave.

All that to say they were supposed to call back this afternoon (which they haven't) so we can "Regroup" and decide what to do now with the Metformin (probably increase my dose) and other such things.

Any thoughts anyone? Have you dealt with anything like this? Anyone with PCOS experience such messed up cycles?

Wow this has been a totally, completely frustrating week. It wouldn't be so bad if everything wasn't all crazy. It's like things went totally haywire this month. Who knows. It will happen when it happens but man I am reminded around every turn how out of control I really am- in this process and on a larger scale as well. Which is hard for me...for most of us: to be out of control.

What I know that I need to do is to be kind to myself. I know that I need to do my best to remember truth, to appreciate that my body works well (well... most of the time) and that just because I don't fit a "medical norm" that it doesn't make me a freak. No two people are the same and different things work for different people in a host of varying ways. Those are the things I need to remember. And to take deep breathes and relax with myself, my expectations and to enjoy all the good that is going on in my life each and every day! All I can say is I'm trying.

Right now the lyrics to the Michelle Branch song Breathe are playing in my head.

"Breathe"

I've been driving for an hour

Just talking to the rain

You say I've been driving you crazy

and its keeping you away

So just give me one good reason

Tell me why I should stay

'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment

in saying things we never meant to say

And I take it just a little bit

I, hold my breath and count to ten

I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Well it's all so overrated

In not saying how you feel

So you end up watching chances fade

And wondering what's real

And I give you just a little time

I, Wonder if you realize

I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe,

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,

Hoping you hear me

Do you hear me?

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe,

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

Everything is alright if i just breathe... breathe

I've been driving for an hour

Just talking to the rain

Waiting... waiting on the world to change.

Hubs was reading his devotion last night and he decided to share it with me. Now I'm going to share some of it with you. I think he was trying to encourage me about something. Hmm... wonder what it could be...

David was good at waiting. He said, "I waited quietly before God, for my salvation comes from him" (Ps. 62:1). Waiting "before God" suggests waiting in a particular place in a particular posture. It is waiting in an attitude of worship and dependence rather than hanging around hoping something will happen. Waiting before God involves actively focusing upon who he is and what he is doing in the world while waiting for his answers to arrive.

{People} who are used to being in control of their own lives, and the lives of others, find waiting before God particularly difficult. They will tell you that "time is money," and while they are supposed to be waiting they expect answers to be forthcoming. But David and come to the point of admitting that he could not fix his problem- "so many enemies against one man"(62:3). He knew that his only hope was in the Lord's intervention.

God works at his own pace and in his own way. No amount of impatience will alter the speed or the manner in which God will work out his purposes. So when the only direction you can turn is to the Lord, and the only way to look is up, remember to wait before him as you wait for him. He will act. And don't be impatient, because his clock keeps perfect time.

Thanks so much for your support! I appreciate your kind words or sense of humor!

Later you patient people.

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Ok, so I dropped off the face of the earth for a while. Do I have a good excuse you are wondering to yourself...? No I don't. All I can offer is that life feels kind of weird right now. Not bad, just weird. I've been feeling like my life is transitioning and it's kind of leaving me feeling odd. Sort of stuck. Like, I'm ready to move forward and to hit the next stage (such as having a baby, staying home, pretending to be more domestic) but I'm stuck. So while my heart and mind are ready to move on my actual life and circumstance haven't caught up. I want it to catch up- CATCH UP LIFE!!!

Sorry you had to witness my brief tantrum. I do actually lead what is more than a Semi-Charmed Kind of Life. Not like the actual song talks about, more in the sense that I'm blessed in a whole lot of ways I'm not going to bore you with now. Oh yeah, and Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life- the actual song is on my mind because I had a guitar lesson tonight with my friend (we'll call him Vroom) and Vroom played it several times as he was showing me chord progressions. So naturally it's stuck in my head.

Chorus Lyrics:

I want something else

To get me through this

Semi-charmed kind of Life

Baby, Baby

I want something else

I'm not listening when you say

Good-bye

Vroom is seriously brilliant. He can play like every instrument. Knows music theory inside and out. Can teach in a way that is accessible, easy to comprehend and yet challenging. Plus He went to some super braintastic school in Upstate New York. Can you tell that I think pretty highly of him. He's a quality person, which can be hard to find- in a friendly way I totally mean. Semi-Interesting fact though, I actually had a major crush on him wayyyy back in the day but it never developed any further than that except for the excellent friendship we have formed. So yes, ultimately we were meant to be great friends and I'm totally lucky because we are and he and Hubs are good friends too. They are actually in the living room watching the basketball game together right now. Whooping and Hollering and Cheering.

Just to update you friends on what is going on with Baby Quest 2008. The Metformin helped me regulate my cycle as I mentioned before. I still can't believe it did it so quickly! So Dr. W instructed me to keep taking the Met and to get ready to start Ovulation Testing on the 9th- YA- April 9th- WEDNESDAY!!! Yipes! This will be my first time working with an Ovulation Predictor kit. It all seems so real. While I'm excited to be making progress on that front I must admit that I truly dislike peeing on sticks. It has to do with the fact that I'm not very good at it. But who knows maybe during the next week I'll get better at it. I know that when I do get pregnant I will be required to pee on or in things regularly! Dr. W said to test from the 9th-12th and whenever I get a positive on ovulation to "have sex as much as possible." Ummm as much as possible. That just sounds daunting. But I'm up for the challenge and I know it don't have to do it like 10 times a day. I'm just excited and anxious because this is my first month actually trying like this. I'm sure soon enough it could become not only old hat but a thorn in my side. So I'll do what I can to and the rest is up to God and His timing for our family.

That's all for now. I wish you sweet dreams and a lovely day tomorrow and that your life be more than just Semi-Charmed!

Later!

I Wanna Rock and Roll ALL NIGHT and Party Everyday

A few confessions... ready?

1) I hate cleaning. Which means that I sometimes wait entirely too long to scrub the toilet or sweep the layer of dust that begins to look like a natural part of the furniture off said furniture. I'm VERY good at keeping things looking like they are clean, though. I know- I'm so sneaky. It's faux cleaning and I think it's kind of brilliant. My sweet mother is the Organizing Queen. Her skills have been passed down to me but where it compels her it just nags at me until I give in. So that's why I keep things tidy... my guilty conscious! Don't think my house is gross or that I'm living like one of those people on the Oprah show (you know the pack rat people who can't see each other for all the crap crushing in around them). That's not me. I just genuinely dislike cleaning. Oh, but the problem (as though the lack of cleaning isn't problem enough) is how Fantastic I feel after I've cleaned. Know what I mean? It's like a rush of relief that the chore is done and I don't have to do it again for a while combined with the natural good feelings of having things tidy... I do need things tidy. Oh I guess I should mention that I did clean the bathrooms this morning- thus the rant. It just got to me today and I was suddenly in a cleaning frenzy. Now if I could just tackle my closet…

2) I caught a bit of Rachel Ray today and I saw Gene Simmons from KISS on there. They were playing that song…you know that song that’s on Guitar Hero. Anyway it was stuck in my head all day, even though I’m blanking on what it was and the title now (which is very unlike me). And even though I don’t like KISS I think it gave me some extra swagger today. Oh I just thought of it. The part that is stuck in my head is the first part ❝You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting...I want to rock and roll all night and party everyday!❞ I thought it was an interesting Tuesday song to have in banging in my brain this morning. ☺

3) I went shopping today. No real reason. Just wanted to. So the confession is…I went for me and bought my completely adorable husband two shirts to justify my shopping and buying two shirts and pair of flip-flops. Like somehow it balanced out the shopping karma/mojo. But it wasn’t totally selfish of me. Husband actually Loves for me to buy him clothes and I was a ROSS (my favorite bargain store) and I found this one type of shirt (the dry-weave Nike golf shirts) that are his favorite for playing golf. So you see it was a win for both of us. He got a couple great shirts, I got a couple of great shirts, they were all a great price and my shopping karma/mojo, if you will, remains…well…great and if not great then at least intact until another shopping day! Gosh my need to justify is just leaping off the screen.

4) I’m worried about not being able to get pregnant but sometimes what scares me more is what if I do. I mean, please don’t get me wrong, we have given this decision much thought and prayer and we are both excited about the prospect of starting a family. I think we are ready, or as much as we can be given the fact we have no idea what we’re getting ourselves into until we really get into it. I’m confident that we will be good, loving parents who will adore our little one. But what gets me sometimes is just my fear of the unknown. That’s always been an issue for me. It hasn’t stopped me from living my life or having faith but I always want a peek into what the future or a situation is going to be like. And as you know that just isn’t possible. I think that is one of the reasons I like to read so much. I’m just trying to accumulate and assimilate useful information. So yes, the unknown(s) of parenthood is daunting to me. What will it really be like? How will things change- not necessarily for the worse- I expect most of the changes to be for the better. I anticipate that they will challenge and enhance life. But they are still unknown changes non-the-less and sometimes it freaks me out.

Ok so that’s all the confessions you get for tonight friends! Maybe we’ll chat some more sometime about confession #4.

Hope you are all doing well doing whatever it is you are doing.

Until Later!

Melodic Pictures

I'm always amazed when I hear a song that so captures a moment in my life that when I hear the song later it's as vivid as having just breathed in the initial moment itself. So clear that I can see it; almost physically feel it. Recalling the memory of once was as though, even if ever so briefly, it was once again. Music does that to me...

Melodic pictures of my life. That is what MUSIC is to me. Music takes my mind (and heart) to the place in my brain that stores up all the things I hope to always remember and sometimes those I would rather forget. It pulls them to the surface like a lifeguard rescues one from the depths of the sea. Rising from the dark...out of the water- breaking through the layers of all the all the stored information to reach the surface and breathe out and into me the memory...life.

Music is fluid and alive and all around. Different from the processed snapshot taken for the scrapbook only to be put on the shelf; often long forgotten. It transcends a classic picture that someone takes to remember a time in life that is passing, trying to hold on to it for a bit longer...to remember the color of a sweater or a sunset, the jagged outline of a jaw or a mountainside...the way you felt with your first love or on your first big trip away from home or when you first realized that there is more to this life and...just wanting to hold on. So that we don't forget that we were here and there and that we experienced life...We DID...and we have proof...see it there in the picture...it was a moment and it was captured. You see, Music acknowledges the moment in private kind of way. Much like a secret or an inside joke- you and the music understand the meaning, the undercurrent, even if no one else knows or cares.

But with music you don't need a book of pictures to unlock the memory- just the melody inside your head. Music often has a way of unlocking the door, or the floodgate to more memories. That is one reason why music is so powerful. It can move people when they don't want to be moved. And sometimes, if your lucky, it moves you before you even realize you are being swept away. And though, music may not physically testify that you had a moment or were here or there, with him or her; it can not only recall a memory but be a memory or experience in itself.

Music is fluid. It ebbs and flows and is all around us...as is life and the moments that make it so memorable.

Do your memories have a melody? I wonder...what will my next memory will sound like?

All Night Long (as in the Lionel Richie Song)

Why am I up at well after two in the morning? Hmmm... that, my friends is a good question. It's mostly because I was a slug today. Totally indulgent. I hardly got out of bed. It was glorious and I'm not at all ashamed to share that with you. Another reason is probably that I drank some se-ri-ous-ly strong tea tonight with dinner. Oops! Oh yea, I didn't make it by the way. I really should know better but it just looked so darn appealing. Anyway, I'm up now, so what better to do than share some more information about myself with you. You know we are in that "get to know you" phase of our relationship. We all put our best foot forward and try to seem intriguing while trying to impress each other in hopes that a fantastic friendship will spring forth. So I thought I'd wow you (at very best) and bore you into peaceful slumber (at least) with some (un)important stats on some of my favorite music.

As you may have read, I love music...almost too much! I love it all...ok that was a lie. Truthfully I can tolerate the majority, I enjoy most, appreciate many, adore several and am hopelessly devoted to a few (none of which are Olivia Newton John though the reference is obvious).

Honestly, I can't go to sleep at night with out Jars of Clay playing in the background (the first CD). Don't suggest whale lullaby's, sounds of the rainforest or monk chants (although that CD does have some of that on there..hmmm). No, it's been way too long. I'm set in my ways. I've resigned myself to being co-dependent with a CD.

Pop/Rock/R&B category contains many- too many to list in entirety but here are a few: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, The Fray, Paramore, One Republic, Mute Mouth, The Killers, Incubus, U2 (seriously how could they not be mentioned), Christina Aguilara (think what you like but there is no denying the girl has got some killer pipes), Michelle Branch and/or the Wreckers, Pink, Switchfoot, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Gavin DeGraw, Cold Play, Gwen Stefani, Sarah Bareilles, Alicia Keys, Rhianna... and the list could go on...and on...

Christian: David Crowder Band, Nichole Nordeman, Barlow Girl, Casting Crowns, Plumb, Shawn McDonald, Joy Williams, Jill Phillips, Benjamin Gate, Watermark, Shane &; Shane, DC Talk (classic), Kristy Starling, Hillsong, Charlie Hall, just to name a few.

Of course I love some good country: SheDaisy, Dixie Chicks, Martina McBride, Shania Twain and Faith Hill, Little Big Town, Rascal Flatts, Tim McGraw, George Strait (ever timeless) and Garth Brooks.

Bands you may have never heard of but should know because they are awesome: Grandpa Griffith, Hollow, Red Monroe, Matt Wertz, Ryan Long.

Old School: Extreme (More Than Words), Tears for Fears (Everybody Wants to Rule The World), Boys II Men (Motown Philly), Journey (anything by Journey).

Ok, I must confess...I have a problem. I have a bit of a weakness (some could say passion) for 80's music. Not so much the Glam Rock or Monster Ballads (ok maybe a few Monster Ballads) but the ever enduring music like Madonna, WHAM/George Michael, Culture Club/Boy George, Debbie Gibson, Whitney Houston, The Go-Go's, The Bangles, Michael Jackson (the Thriller days), Christopher Cross (SAILING), Chicago, Phil Collins, Hall & Oats... I TOLD You- I have a problem. But I know that deep down most of you enjoy these 80's hits as well. I am just being honest about it. So, I will hold my head high!

Ok this list is getting ridiculously long. I haven't even touched on Rap, Musicals, Latin etc... Alas, I will conclude with this... There is no band, nor front man, other than Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty that ever has or ever will have my unwavering devotion. He holds a special place in my musical heart!

And I will not divulge why at this time... I need to retain some mystery, our friendship is still blossoming!

Later Friends!