Grown Up Make-Believe

When I imagine myself as a wife... and later as a mother I fancy myself to be very domestic; which most of the time I am woefully not. But I have my moments. It's sort of like grown-up dress-up for me. I pretend I am meticulous at organization (very Martha or like I could be featured in the very cool mag Domino) and get my clean on in brief bursts. I make-believe I'm like Rachel Ray and can whip up yummy things easily while keeping my sense of humor intact and floating around the kitchen gracefully. I play domestic goddess as I toss laundry into the washer and sometimes I even stop long enough to squirt on some spray & wash. So since I imagine such roles for myself to act out (I really missed my theatrical calling) it is obvious that these qualities aren't always my mode of operation. I'm hoping that maybe someday if I make believe enough I am these characters, play enough with my grand thoughts, pretend enough and fake my way through these task that I don't always find easy or enjoy that they will someday become more of who I am; how I live daily, what I do with my time to make our life happier and healthier. There's always the hope of that.

With all that nonsense said I played Chef this weekend. I tried a couple of new recipes (which I hate to do because I always fear it isn't going to be as good as I hoped and I will then have nothing to eat for dinner or to take somewhere or serve to guests... it's the perfectionist in me. I'm working on it.) and cooked up storm. It was a tasty weekend. I made a lovely Strawberry Newport or some call it a Napoleon. It was sooooooo yummy. I used Filo dough because I couldn't find puff pastry at the store. Man that stuff is temperamental. And to be fair I went into the filo dealings knowing I wasn't going to do it exactly like I should if I wanted it to be perfect (see I lowered my expectations...I'm growing). It was so good though. I'm a few pictures below just to get you salivating. I'm not sure it does it justice but I was still pleased with it.

Hope you all had a Sweet Weekend!

Bon Appetite!

Yummm!!

Look at that Layering!

You know you want a bite!

Thank You

Thank you friends for your comments. Your thoughts are very helpful. I am considering what you have suggested and I'm trying to figure out what to do. Thanks so much for the help. I'm still just confused. I'll keep everyone updated on what develops.

Now There's A Curve Ball.

The Doctor's office called this morning and they said that all the test came back negative and normal. That's what I suspected. What I didn't count on is Nurse T saying that they thought I OVULATED that day I came in to test (last Thursday). WHAT!!!!! That is sooooooo frustrating to me. So, what you're saying is I was sick, bleeding and ovulating?! I asked her why this could be since it didn't seem like it would be around that time no matter what cycle calendar you were using. She simply said, "Well it's probably because you are Polycystic and you just never know when." Also re-stated in that conversation which I thought was said a bit cavalierly (but I don't think it was on purpose) "Well your progesterone was so high that we thought you were pregnant but you weren't. Then we think you ovulated that day or a day or two before or you were going to soon. (?!@#$#@!!) But you Ovulated so that's good."

Ya a lot of good that does me for me to spontaneously ovulate after being "regular" for two months and for you to not get my results to me until 5 days after the test; past when I could have done anything to try to make a baby this month. Grrr.

I was curious as to what would happen if I took an ovulation test today so I took one that I had left over from last month. It came back with light positive line but it was really light. Probably not much a chance there because I haven't been 'doin it' all weekend because I was freaked out as to what was happening to me...oh and because I'm not hip on 'gettin it on' when I'm surfin' the crimson wave.

All that to say they were supposed to call back this afternoon (which they haven't) so we can "Regroup" and decide what to do now with the Metformin (probably increase my dose) and other such things.

Any thoughts anyone? Have you dealt with anything like this? Anyone with PCOS experience such messed up cycles?

Wow this has been a totally, completely frustrating week. It wouldn't be so bad if everything wasn't all crazy. It's like things went totally haywire this month. Who knows. It will happen when it happens but man I am reminded around every turn how out of control I really am- in this process and on a larger scale as well. Which is hard for me...for most of us: to be out of control.

What I know that I need to do is to be kind to myself. I know that I need to do my best to remember truth, to appreciate that my body works well (well... most of the time) and that just because I don't fit a "medical norm" that it doesn't make me a freak. No two people are the same and different things work for different people in a host of varying ways. Those are the things I need to remember. And to take deep breathes and relax with myself, my expectations and to enjoy all the good that is going on in my life each and every day! All I can say is I'm trying.

Right now the lyrics to the Michelle Branch song Breathe are playing in my head.

"Breathe"

I've been driving for an hour

Just talking to the rain

You say I've been driving you crazy

and its keeping you away

So just give me one good reason

Tell me why I should stay

'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment

in saying things we never meant to say

And I take it just a little bit

I, hold my breath and count to ten

I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Well it's all so overrated

In not saying how you feel

So you end up watching chances fade

And wondering what's real

And I give you just a little time

I, Wonder if you realize

I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe,

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,

Hoping you hear me

Do you hear me?

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe,

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

Everything is alright if i just breathe... breathe

I've been driving for an hour

Just talking to the rain

Just Take My Blood Already!

So I'm still bleeding. It's somewhere between spotting and a light period. Yesterday it was more like a beginning period though. I finally got ahold of the Dr.'s office at about 1pm yesterday. Ya first thing in the morning my ass! Anyway, Nurse T said that Dr. W wanted me to come in and do blood work. She said they were going to do a CBC, Progesterone, HCG and FSH tests. So I dragged my nauseous, freaked out body out of bed and took a quick shower (because I hadn't in a while). Then I took myself directly to the Dr.'s office. I made great time by the way. When I got there they took me back pretty quickly but then...I had to wait...and wait...and wait.

I guess it's sort of my fault or at least the fault of my veins because every time I go there to have my blood drawn I have to have special measures taken (have to lay down, use special needles etc.). I apparently have small, deep veins and the girl who normally takes the blood can't do mine and the first time she tried I freaked her out to the point where she has never attempted it again. Which is TOTALLY fine with me. I hate being mutilated by people who can't find a vein. So this nice nurse of another doctor, that I have now befriended, is my designated Vampire. Things were swamped in there, hence the waiting. So I'm sitting there waiting for Nice Nurse Vampire to come attend to me, sad and bleeding while about 100 pregnant women paraded in front of me. They were in various stages of pregnancy. They were getting their blood pressure taken, weight charted, drinking that supposedly gross drink to measure blood glucose. And I just sat there with my head down bleeding... and waiting.

The only thing that made it better was that Nurse Vampire did a great job and she was sooooo very sweet and sensitive with me. I then got up and dragged myself home.

Now I'm sitting here waiting to call the doctor's office because I don't want to seem like a psycho but I really want to call. And as much as I want to call I also don't want to know what's going on. Living in denial is easy; living in a constant state of the unknown is unbearable for me. I'm worried that the test results will be inconclusive or negative. I don't know that anything that is said at this point is "bad" or "good" it just is. I know we'll move forward with more knowledge and insight about my cycle and body. But this has just sucked. I know it's not true, I know it's still really early in our fertility journey but I still feel like I'm letting my people down. But I know that's not true. Note: A lot of I knows in that paragraph. I suppose I'm needing to reassure myself today more than usual.

So I guess I'm gonna call.

Update: I called and they said they didn't have the lab work back and that Nurse T would call me when they came in. They totally think I'm a crazy person. Oh well... I am what I am and right now I feel a bit wacky.

So here's what's going on.

I got the blood work back from Dr. W on Monday afternoon. It said that the HCG test came back negative (which we thought was a high possibility since it was still early) but they said my Progesterone came back high. So they said because of that they wanted me to come back in and test on Friday because there was a good chance I was pregnant. Soo with that I went through Monday and Tuesday fine. Then yesterday I felt really nauseous all and then in late afternoon I started spotting which over the evening progressed to a light bleed. Sort of like at the beginning of a period. Light cramps and gasey cramps but they don't feel like normal mentraul cramps. It's like not in the same area or the same intensity.

So I'm not sure what is going on. I called Dr. W and nurse T said that Dr. W wasn't in for the day and that she would call her and ask her what she thought and she would call me first thing in the morning. Nurse T said again that the test was negative but that there could be a lot of "normal" reasons for the bleeding and to take it easy for the rest of the day. I was already doing that.

I did that but it was so hard not to be anxious, and frankly confused. I mean, honestly, I could accept it was a period but all the stuff that has been going on in my body this month. I don't think it is the Metformin. I've been tolerating that really well. And I absolutely did not feel like this last month (March, before I got my period)... and we were trying then so I know I'm not imagining these changes in my body...some things are visible like the breast changes.

I've read online (however credible it is) women talking about how bleeding is common in early pregnancy, how some people think they have had their period but then found out that they were pregnant, or others who pass some clots and go on to have healthy babies, others who have unexplained bleeding... and yes there are the stories about miscarriages.

It's just really weird too because everything has been speculation so far and nothing confirmed. I'm hoping they let me come in for lab work today, since I was scheduled to go in on Friday they might as well let me come in. I don't know. I'm frustrated and confused. We'll see.

What I'm praying for is a definitive answer as to what is going on- period, bleeding w/an early pregnancy... or something else.

Please pray for my sanity and attitude.

Update on Friday and other associated things...

So here's the low down on what is going on. Went to Dr. W on Friday. It was a good appointment. I talked to her about what was going on- symptoms and changes which are listed below. She said "Well it certainly sounds like you might be. You've got the early signs. I want to do a blood test and see what it says. If it comes back negative that is not unusual because every body builds hormones at different rates and it just might not be showing up yet. So if this one is negative we'll wait a week, since I think you have a good chance of being pregnant and we'll test again in a week." So I won't know anything from the test until tomorrow. I have to be honest that I'm just really praying that the test comes back positive because I truly feel different, like I am. And that's not just because I want to be (which I also said to Dr. W). I'm not imagining things (you know like when you want something you imagine things to be like you want). Because I really wasn't expecting anything this quick anyway. I didn't care if it was last month, this month, next month etc. I just know that my body is different, I feel different and all the signs point to maybe baby. I'm just ready to have a confirmation of what's happening. I told Dr. W. that if it isn't positive then something is going on here that we need to figure out. She chuckled and said we could address that if the time came.

So that is what is going on with me. As always hope all is well with you. Like I said the other day I'm keeping my fingers crossed, saying my prayers and hoping for a positive!

Tomorrow...

I have a big Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. We'll see what Dr. W says. I hope it's all positive. No sign of AF, lots of signs of possibly being "with child." I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm expecting to do a blood test. So you could say that I'm holding my breath, crossing my fingers and saying my prayers.

It's sort of bittersweet to post that because I know so many are struggling with the issue of conceiving. It's my prayer that this does not bring you down but spurs us on to continue to hope and dream... regardless of (or in spite of) circumstances. Whether it be baby dreams, lofty goals or personal desires.

Peace be with you.